2011 1st XI Match reports

17-09-11 - AWAY TO GRANTA

Granta 158 ALL OUT , Camden 161 for 2. RESULT - CAMDEN WIN

Matt Thomas signed off in inimitable fashion as he bullied and stroked in equal measure an undefeated 100 against Cambridge Granta's IIs.

That he was even able to make the three figures can only be put down to the farcical nature of Camden's bowling attack, plus some horrendous wicket-keeping. All eleven Camden players had a spell at the bowling crease, kicked off by Thomas and Walker-Smith. Thomas bagged a brace before declaring that he'd had enough and was replaced by our Greater Crested captain Newtu. He picked up one or two and suddenly Granta's innings looked in danger of coming to a very premature end. Newtu had other ideas however as every single one of the Camden players took it in turns to bowl. This included a mammoth 6 over spell from keeper Heywood (well, it felt like a mammoth spell the next morning - I have never bowled that many overs consecutively in my life).

That so many part timers were on hand could easily explain the higher than expect total of 158. However, some earlier wicket keeping blunders from Heywood, in particular one denying Sutton the chance to bask in his moment of glory gave Herath (46*) a reprieve. Flighted up on middle stump, Herath ran down the wicket. The ball, passing between bat and pad then cannoned into Heywood's midrift as he looked towards the midwicket area to see where the ball might otherwise have gone and gave Herath the chance to return to safety.

Later, Matt Thomas' partners at the crease were selected out of a hat. Fortunately, the selections gave a passing resemblance to a normal Camden top order and parity was restored. Nevertheless, that everyone had stinking pad rash on gives only a flavour of the comical nature of the outing.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


10-09-11 - AWAY TO NASSINGTON

Nassington 208 for 8, Camden 209 for 4. RESULT - CAMDEN WIN

Camden fared rather better with the bat as they continued their late season travelling. Nassington played host on a windswept Northamptonshire afternoon. Captain Pleasircanagotoda Lutu returned, now very familiar in mouth to mouth and apparently unable to dismiss a blind person and found his team bowling. Wickets fell at regular intervals and at one stage looked to have Mohadanotha Lambuhna's men in trouble. However, when Lambhuna's was dropped on the covers (the groundsman apparently is still unable to bring out the stain) on 24, a turning point had been reached.

Lambhuna released some spicy drives and exotic glides through point as eventually Nassington reach a total somewhere just over 200 - the drop costing not just the £5.95, but a whole 50 runs as well.

However, as several Camden players mused over the finer points of the 'Tuck into the Gardner's' Tea' league table (the result of which can be found below), Kaufman and Thomas bludgeoned the Nassington bolwers all round the park. Ifeels Icklaq was particular flavoursome and a rapid 130 odd 1st wicket partnership was obtained. Kaufman departed and more or less headed straight for the climbing frame. After a brief interlude where Will Sutton failed to kick the ball away from his stumps (who would have thought) and bagged himself a horror away day (a first baller, later and yes, you've guessed it, the perpetrator of the drop), Guy Skinner and Vinnie Chase continued the assault on the total - reaching it within 30 or so overs.

'Tuck into the Gardner's Tea' league table

TEAM Qn Ql TOTAL
       
Nassington 10 10 20
Ickwell 8 9 17
Ramsey 8 7 15
Foxton 9 6 15
March 8 5 13
Granta 8 5 13
Sawston 8 4 12
Camden 9 2 11
Wisbech 7 3 10
St Ives 5 3 8
Godmanchester 4 3 7
Khalsa 1 1 2
Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


03-09-11 - AWAY TO RAMSEY

Camden 89 ALL OUT, Ramsey 93 for 3. RESULT - RAMSEY WIN

At 1630h, Camden were left pondering what on earth had happened as they were well an truly rogered by an in form Ramsey. Continuing the Fen tour- part deux, Ilsniffabita Glutugetonahia's men were rocked out for a meagre 85 on a wicket that compared much more favourably than in previous visits.

Electing to bat first, Matt Thomas, standing in for Glutu, elected to bat. Whilst sense could be seen in that decision, his option to bat at 8 defied explanation. Wickets tumbled at regular intervals. Kaufman once again got frustrated and nicked a wide one, whereas Gadsby was unable to get away with his customary kicking of the straight one.

Batsmen came and went for low scores, some more quickly than others, with keeper Heywood taking the longest over his duck (16 balls). The only resistance came from Gardner (20*) with some powerful strokes on the legside. Gadsby meanwhile, in dangerously mischievous mood, had much fun on various wagers regarding his team mate's scores.

With the ball, the Cambridge men fared just as badly. Michael Cafferkey opened his account with a 4 and a 6 off some Kaufman pies before inside-edging the third onto his stumps. Walker-Smith bowled with aggression but otherwise the bowling was of a mediocre fare. The only highlight came from a wonderful catch from debutant Patricia Millerski, which also granted Dip Basu his one and only Tucker 1 wicket (for 2011 at any rate - I can't be bothered to reach for the annals of past years - it's been a long season).

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


27-08-11 - AWAY TO FOXTON

Foxton 177 for 9, Camden 94 for 0. RESULT - CAMDEN WIN

The Camden – Foxton clash of old was resumed after an unusually sullen performance from both teams earlier in the piece. With skipper Ivejustbauta Blutoothmobilephona looking at his imperiously fit best and raring to go, the contest did not fail to provide the spice that usually accompanies this south Cambs encounter.

Speaking of Cambs, apparently something happened that hasn’t happened for 17 years. Can’t think what and I can’t even begin to imagine who was involved. Memo to self – ask Nigel again what happened.

In any event, after plugging himself into toss winning mode, Blutoothmobilephona had no hesitation in bowling first in helpful conditions. Gardner and Walker-Smith bowled tightly and, aided by two rain breaks, whittled Foxton to 70-6. Once again, Atwell lived up to his clown like billing and gave a most comical performance. It would seem however as though his DIY skills are in need of honing, the Guyanain apparently still on the hunt for a decent electrician. The final straw came when he was required to change his bat after it became apparent that a nail in the toe of his bat was causing damage to the ball.

Garnder and Walker-Smith were undeterred and as big Jeffery Douglas swung across a straight one first ball, Foxton were in danger of falling short. However, with Roots living up to his name and Max Bowen adding impetus as he tucked into the furry kiwi bowling from Thomas and Vincent, Foxton staged a recovery that lead them to 177-9 – Roots being the penultimate man out as he was eventually grubbed out by Thomas for a commendable 82.

After the delays, Camden were set 150 off 42. With Walker-Smith already in the hutch, Thomas and Gadsby set to work in deterring Douglas and friends. With more rain returning, the total was whittled to 91, thus leaving only 21 required off the remaining 9 overs. Foxton, in particular the clown Atwell were less than enthused in taking the field again. Thomas and Gadbsy put it all out of their mind and saw the away team to a resounding victory.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


20-08-11 - HOME TO WISBECH

Wisbech 209 for 6, Camden 210 for 4. RESULT - CAMDEN WIN

Mindful of the rain forecast for the afternoon, captain Mutucumarana opted to bowl first on winning the toss. Charlie Walker-Smith (12-3-54-1) and Simon Gardner (16-1-54-0) toiled admirably with little reward, while Henry Rosier (33) and David Wood (43) added 74 for the second wicket. With Richard Kaufman ruled out and Mutu's hamstring strain preventing him from ruining his sickeningly low bowling average, the home side looked light of bowling. Fortunately, Keith Vincent came to the party with three quick wickets, bringing the brothers Freear together for a partnership of 85. Vincent accounted for both thanks to smart catches in the deep from Walker-Smith and one-man coconut shy Will Sutton, and the visitors wound up on 209-6 from their allotted 48 overs, Vincent bagging an excellent 6-56.

Matt Thomas enjoyed his last ever Pembroke tea and then, along with Nigel Gadsby, tucked into some wayward bowling. Both openers, however, were to fall in quick succession, leaving the home side teetering at a precarious 41-2 with Sutton and Dip Basu both new to the crease. What was to be a match-winning and enterprising partnership of 107 began in inauspicious fashion, Basu in particular scratching around like a flea-ridden cat. The introduction of the spinners proved to be more to his liking, however, and runs soon began to flow. Sutton joined in the fun, essaying some unprecedented reverse sweeps, and picking up a new-found appreciation as to why “runs” are so called, only finding the boundary once in his innings of 44 before falling to what the umpire rightly described as “the shot of a tired man.” Vincent fell for 25 attempting to hit the 6 runs needed to give his story a Hollywood finale, leaving all-rounder Ed Pearson and Basu (80 not out) to wrap up a satisfying 6-wicket win.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - Willard Sutton


13-08-11 - AWAY TO ICKWELL

Camden 222 for 4, Ickwell 157 for 8. RESULT - MATCH DRAWN

Camden took their first away trip for many a week as they travelled across the A1 to Ickwell. As Gadsby tried to keep the collective chipper up, nothing could console captain Ihada Fewtoomanyinthebara as he arrived to discover a wopping great oak tree in the middle of the field. Clearly the urbanised captain has not played enough cricket on village greenuns. Heywood meanwhile was in his element, though having driven up from Somerset after quite literally having a few too many at the bar at his sister-in-law’s wedding, his interest in bowling first was limited.

Winning the toss, Areyou Insain elected to bowl. With a potential record score beckoning, Kaufman flayed the Ickwell seamers everywhere. Were it not for an injudicious wipe, the score line could easily have read 120-0, with Gadsby probably only still on 7. Alas, Kaufman returned to the pavilion to disturb Heywood’s slumber with the score on 74, of which he had 59. At 115-4, the total looked in danger of falling short of its promise. However, Vincent and Pearson, the latter back from a various array of Jazzy trips - including an appearance on German national television – put on a solid partnership of 107.

In reply, Vincent and Kaufman tore through the Ickwell top order. At 54-7 and in the eyes of a Fewtoomanyinthebara, with Kaufman wreaking havoc with support fromVincent (3 and 4 wickets apiece respectively), the game looked like it would end nice and early. 2 hours later and still 7 down, Ickwell literally dug themselves in as they blocked the proverbial off every single delivery. Only a late one from Fewtoomany was able to strike some panic in the Ickwell ranks. Alas, Ickwell found themselves 8 down and 65 runs short and Camden found themselves spitting with disappointment..

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


06-08-11 - HOME TO KHALSA

Khalsa 61 ALL OUT, Camden 65 for 0. RESULT - CAMDEN WIN

Camden powered to a dominant win of the 2010 kind as Khalsa were well and truly thrashed by Nowiminda Moodtoohavabanana’s men. Winning the toss on a green an turgid wicket, this time resembling the sort of tinge that might be seen on a pair of mouldy pads after 3 years in a leaking shed, the skipper put his theories behind him and did the sensible thing and elected to bowl.

Themancanreally Singh and Drivakar Indahood were watchful early on against a prodigiously moving ball, though it was a leg stump half volley from CWS that set the ball rolling – Kaufman executing the catch brilliantly at square leg. Singh, Areek Apiz and She’stilla Mansoor all fell to the dreaded chop on, Kirpal Singh was snared down the leg side by a gormless Heywood and Mosinda Bathtub was caught behind off the bottom edge off Gardner to leave the score on 50-6. However, the most devastating spell was to come from Nick Awallett. Camden and Khalsa players left the field in utter disgust as Awallet left the scene with more than his namesake in his swag bag. Vigilantism from Munns could not resuce the situation, though a pitch fork might have at least made him look the part – or perhaps more like a scarecrow. In any event, the players resumed the field, as Camden continued their destruction of the Khalsa line up. Walker-Smith was the main beneficiary, ending with his own swag bag of 5-30. The highlight dismissal was to come as Kaufman persuaded Heywood to wave one through from the boundary (usually he doesn’t need any, but on this occasion he was seeing it reasonably well) and ran out the dawdling Singh (which one is unclear, though the same generosity seen previously in an England-Indian encounter was not reciprocated as Singh stood in disbelief.

Thomas and Gadsby saw Camden to the victory target of 62 with some ease and there isn’t much else to say on the matter.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


30-07-11 - HOME TO SAWSTON

Camden 148 ALL OUT, Sawston 149 for 6. RESULT - SAWSTON WIN

Camden’s calamitous fall from grace continued as they lost badly to local south Cambs rivals Sawston. After a torrid run of failures in the chasing department, captain Imnotinda Moodtoohavabanana elected to bat first on a wicket that had a tinge of green, equivalent perhaps to that found in a pair of mouldy overwintered pads. Wickets tumbled, though in most cases due to horrendous batsman error – Matt Thomas well and truly taking over the market in team run outs from Heywood as he proceeded to fall victim to the ‘yes, no, sorry’ call. With Moodtoohavabanana departing in embarrassing fashion – villaged off the bowling of Smith and Camden teetering precariously at 27-4 a rear guard action was required. A half-arsed effort at same came from Heywood and Vincent, as the tall men took the total to 76 before Heywood, not content with pulling a half-volley the previous week decided to attempt the same shot to a Yorker from Pledger.

Vincent continued however for a well grafted 48, with help from the unusually low in the order Gadsby. That the local arable tycoon was so low was due to the panic set in the dressing room by the top order collapse. Unable to cope with the requirements of padding up under pressure, Gadsby was still to be found with his jocks round his ankles and his thigh pad barely strapped as it was announced he was next in. He was eventually dismissed by Blanchard for 24; Camden ending up on a below par 144.

As groundsman Munns was at pains to stress all afternoon, the wicket did indeed flatten out in the afternoon sunshine. An early wobble from Sawston gave Camden a sniff, including an improbable legside catch by keeper Heywood off the bowling of Garnder. Heywood was however not able to enjoy his moment of glory for long as shouts from his angry parents bellowed onto the ground asking where he had left the spare key somewhat took the gloss off the proceedings. Blanchard however steadied the ship and with some particularly wayward fare from Walker-Smith things looked easy for the away team. A flurry of wickets however, including 4 for the rejuvenated W-S added some spice to the contest in what could have been a repeat of the Nassington. Alas, Sawston saw themselves home with 4 wickets remaining and Camden once again leaving the field wondering what if.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


23-07-11 - HOME TO ST IVES

St Ives 143 ALL OUT, Camden 104 ALL OUT. RESULT - ST IVES WIN

Camden crashed to another defeat whilst chasing as they came 40 runs short of St Ives' total of 144. Things got off to a bad start in the 2nd innings as Kaufman found yet another innovative way to get out, caught off the bowling of off spinner Sixfootatthe Withers. Wickets continued to tumble with both Withers and Bevis Andbutthead taking the plaudits with the old ball. A small partnership between Heywood and Thomas, the former expanding his repertoire by playing through the '\', exploiting gaps in the slips cordon at will. Thomas was run out, making this the 5th run out that Heywood has had some involvment in this season. Thomas was quick to take the blame away from the hapless keeper as he admitted to crapping himself in the middle of the wicket and slipping as he tried to return back to his crease - the skidmark plain for all to see. Heywood then tried to pull a half-volley and more wickets tumbled. Enter a pumped up Captain, Applya Tubalubetooyaranus. With boundaries coming off Withers and gutsy determination from Critoph, the one handed Gardner and Munns, the score, whilst improbable on paper always looked possible in the mind. Alas, Tubalubetooyaranus ran out of partners and had to watch as 9,10 and jack were dismissed. Bevis Andbutthead finished with a well deserved 5 wicket haul and Withers 2 for 49.

Earlier, Camden bowled decently to restrict St Ives. Walker-Smith, despite giving the keeper his usual opportunity to get his whites dirty, swung the ball and deserved the wicket of Rowan Williams, the batsman having recently changed his name from Reuan so that more people might spell it correctly. Williams also passed on his duties of Archbishop of Canterbury for the day to play. The introduction of Thomas was however to prove the key bowling change as he whipped out three quick wickets, including Matt Duranduran for nought. Bevis Andbutthead and Iaviti Lygo put on 37 for the 5th wicket and Withers thrashed 24, helped out twice by Frank Skinner at deep midwicket. Kaufman stymied the flow with wickets upon his introduction, ending up with 4-25, with Vincent unlucky not to pick up more than 2 - unaided by the ever erratic Heywood with a missed stumping.

Meanwhile, events at Lord's surpassed all that had gone before in terms of excitement. The author was disappointed to learn that the Indians would be without some more familiar names, particularly as it robbed him the opportunity to wax lyrical to the new ball pairing of URP Singh 'n Abeer Kan. Abeer Kan is instead to be joined by Praline Kandybar and Heshaton Isarma in the seam department, with Mafathacan Singh to bowl spin. The Indians are also below strength in the batting as Thetailenda Thatwags misses out until the third test, with Aweara Cummerbund coming in with only three tests experience. Otherwise, the same favourite names in the middle order are there - Suchan Oldcar, Iavnucaranaluvta Dravit and VVS Laxative. If Compulsive Gambler can nurse Aweara Cummerbund through the new ball and Givethedoga Bhoni can lead with his usual pomp and authority then the England bowling attack of Abeerinthewhite Swann, Broad, Hans Christian Anderson and Trembling will have their work cut out. The only question mark in the middle order Test level remains to be seen.

In reply, Gambler took the game to the opposition, hedging hits bets as he played aggressively. Eventually, all the money was on the red as Broad got one to nip back through the gate. At this stage the chips were down for India, but Ivanucaranaluvta Dravit had other ideas. Never really getting out of third gear, Dravit cruised his way to a well earned century. Meanwhile, Suchan Oldcar showed how rusty he was as another went to slip, and Laxative was far too loose outside off stump. Singininthe Raina was unusually stuck on the crease as he fell lbw to Whooper Swann and the tail, with the exception of Praline Kandybar showed little resistance.

They did however force England to resume for their second innings and found themselves in trouble. Heshaton Isarma, despite not being able to hit the target early, eventually managed to find the right spot, with 4 England wickets falling for 8 in 32 balls. Eoin Morgan had a poor game, perhaps still diappointed that no one could spell his name properly. Enter Matthew Before, who, along with Broad, (the latter spurred on by his wicket taking exploits) took the game to the opposition and scored a magnificent hundred. England thus set India a massive 4th innings total.

Wickets were always hard to come by and England had to work hard. It didn't help that Strauss insisted on posting men out in the deep - a very poorly composed strategy if ever there was one. India had to shuffle their order around also, with Oldcar back at the garage for repairs and Gambler taking a blow; the ball taking a nasty bounce off the roulette wheel to hit him on the elbow. Nevertheless, Dravit and Cumerbund showed early determination and took the score along on the penultimate evening. Anderson claimed Dravit - Dravit going a little off road as he played a loose shot outside off stump. Laxative came in at 3, and whilst he contained himself well for a smart 50, everything eventually fell out as a loose one was caught in his ring. BY this time, Suchan Oldcar was able to come to the crease. Oldcar went out at a very slow pace and appeared to be struggling on gas. Eventually, Anderson got one on the home straight and Oldcar was palpably dismissed. Sininginthe Raina showed zest and was not detered by the dampness on a length caused by Oldcars leaking radiator. Gavethedoga Bhoni was well up for sticking it right up England, but he nicked one through to the keeper. The tail fizzled out quickly and England romped to an excellent victory.

India will need to regroup before this coming Friday and some of the back up seamers will be competing for Abeer Can's place in the fridge. Alittlebit Nehra and Felling Treesanth are the two in contention. Soneayet Sofa is likely to miss out in the batting once again.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


16-07-11 - WASH OUT!

09-07-11 - HOME TO GODMANACHESTER

Godmanchester 186 for 9, Camden 76 ALL OUT. RESULT - GODMANCHESTER WIN

Camden were blown apart by Elliott Baldwin and his Goddy team mates as they were dismissed for a paltry 76 in the top end clash. With swing in both directions, Baldwin claimed 6 Camden scalps, with Cheeatah Williams and Joe Dawborn picking up 2 each. No Camden batsman, with the exception perhaps of Walker-Smith, with some lusty front foot pulling, could master the barrage of accurate swing bowling.

Earlier, Camden found themselves devoid of the day's quota of luck as a number of apparent lbws and nicks went unnoticed. IPL star Williams was however sent packing an over or two after he appeared to nick one so the damage was limited. Patemen scratched and smashed his way to 33 in equal measure before Burton took a grip of the middle order with 3 quick wickets. At 121-7, a wrapping up of the tail end was the order of the day as skipper Al Luvtoohavabitafuna would have looked to keep Goddy below 150. However, Baldwin, in his capacity as batsmen scored a confident 33 with support from Rendall (18) to take the score up to 186. Probert ended up with 3-73, expensive in spite of his recent triumph in the Varsity Match and Burton 3-18.

Camden will look to fight back against table topping March this Saturday, though with 4 of the top 5 taking on invalid status, a batch of mobility scooters may need to be ordered. Lutoohavabitafuna will be without Nuclear Power magnate Montgomery burns as he dislocated a finger amidst a bollardish attempt at mid off - he will be out for a week or tshoo.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


02-07-11 - HOME TO GRANTA

Camden 221 for 8, Granta 200 for 9. RESULT - MATCH DRAWN

Despite a decent haul of 16 points, an air of frustration and disappointment hung over The PCCG as Keighley Vincent's men failed to acquire the full 25 against bottom of the league local strugglers Granta IIs. However, it was a gutsy and well earned partnership of 120 between Smoked Hammersley and George Teaspoon that went a long way to hampering the home side's desperate attempt for the 10 wickets.

At 58-4, things looked good for Camden after the departure of Unsmoked Hammersley, Will Bellfield and the ever dangerous Billy Norman. However, Smoked Hammersley and Teaspoon batted courageously and were undetered by the posturing of the Camden men. They even had no problem when absent skipper Alhava SagaLootuwithsomenaana returned from his speech day to breath SARS all over them at close range from short leg. Tried as the might, Messrs Vincent, Burton, Coutts and Walker-Smith could not extract the stubborn pair, despite the presence of spin and swing. After a long, drawn out period of low scoring, the Granta pair upped the scoring rate with bonus points in mind, and with a close set field looked set perhaps to even chase down the target. Alas, the reintroduction of Coutts, who with his effective 1, 2- Beamer, Yorker combination stymied the Granta progress and they ended 21 short, with the 9th wicket of Jack Uptowngirlshesbeenlivininheruptownworld falling on the last ball to secure extra points for Camden

Earlier, Camden had made heavy initial weather of making 221 as they found themselves at 62-4, Danuska Herath doing the bulk of the damage in a manner typical of a Sri-Lankan medium pacer - lots of arms and legs, a bit of swing and a low trajectory. Heywood and Wells however came to the resuce with a stand of 109, both matching each other shot for shot. Heywood once again played exclusively through the '>', whereas Wells played shots all round the ground, including a flat bat 6 that Rafael Nadal would have been proud of. Andy Haines came in after the departure of Heywood (51) for alusty 22 and Wells finished on 73 red with a MacFlurry of wickets..

Meanwhile, in the Tennis, Nowakas JockItch defeated Roald Dahl. After a scratchy warm up, Jockitch powered to a 2-0 lead after the application of some canistan. Dahl came back with some Big Friendly Tennis to take it to 2-1 but Jockitch held on for a 1st Wimbledon championship. In the ladies, Shagherovaandova lost out to someone that no one with just a partial interest in the game had heard of.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


25-06-11 - HOME TO FOXTON

Camden 176 for 7, Foxton 179 for 5. RESULT - FOXTON WIN

Pembroke College Sports Ground witnessed history in an unusually subdued game for a Camden vs Foxton encounter. This would be the first loss for Alneedsa Putuaseehadarunas' men at the ground since 25th July 2009. However, the Cambridge men were outplayed by Foxton, but in particular by their latest recruit Spraytanwir Afzal. Afzal was the best bowler on show with 3-31 off 16 and lead his new team to victory with a measured 63 not out as they chased 176. He did anything but spray it in both of his spells, and was aided by perennial loose cannon Atwell, Tomi Stoned and Azhar Ferrari as all chipped in with a wicket apiece.

That Camden reached 176 was largely due to a fine effort by Nigel Gadsby with 73*. A workman like opening partnership with Will Sutton came to a premature close as Sutton was shot down by a sniper from the baclony of Munns and had to retire hurt. This prompted a fairly commonplace flury of middle order wickets. Heywood came to the crease and put on 37 with Gadsby; both getting plenty of singles as they fought back. However Heywood, in what is becoming customary, was run out. Heywood later plucked up the courage to confront his demons and announced 'Hello, my name is James Heywood and I am a runoutaholic.' He is receiving counselling.

However, enter two blasts from the England test past as Graeme Dilley, doing his very best Andy Haines impersonation, injected some impetus to the innings with some lusty blows. Lustier still was what followed as Alec Stewart entered to club 35, including 3 big sixes off Stoned.

Vincent started off procedings with the ball as he had Sanderson caught behind off glove, followed by a combination of Heywood's chin, neck and collar bone. Atwell and Farnum made life interesting, as always, before both went in quick succession - the former palpably lbw to Walker-Smith, the other caught at midwicket off the trophy hunting bowling of Garnder. Webster and Moors, and latterly Afzal then saw the away side to victory, despite the greater efforts of the Camden bowlers as the sun came out and the wicket got progressively easier to bat on.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


18-06-11 - HOME TO RAMSEY

Ramsey 79 ALL OUT, Camden 82 for 8. RESULT - CAMDEN WIN

Right, so I am running out of ways to paraphrase the basic statement that: 'Camden win again, but not without incident etc etc'. Nevertheless, for the fourth time in consecutive weeks, Camden struggled to a meagre victory target in search of much needed points as their defence of the CHTPL continues sitting as they do 15 points off top spot in second position.

Camden skipper Moots (to his class and colleagues - Mr. M; to his team mates - Boney M) won an important toss and inserted the Huntingdonshire visitors on a day that threatened rain, thunder, lightning and generally stygian conditions. At one stage it had appeared that Hades, God of the Underworld, with his 3 headed hound Cerberus had come to Grantchester Road, only for it to turn out on closer inspection that it was in fact Nick Wells with Lucy's very very very very small puppy. The aforementioned very small dog also brought out a remarkably soft side to Martin Burton, further substantiating rumours that his retirement from the martial arts scene was in favour of a new business venture in the poodle grooming market.

Boney M's decision to bowl first was supported right from the first delivery as Charlie Walker-Smith claimed the wicket of Taylor West with, well, a straight ball that the batsmen left. Word had obviously got out that Pony is partial to a leg side wide on his first attempt and West was caught napping as the ball cannoned into his pads. It was Thomas Probert however, newly signed for Cambs and fresh after a Varsity match victory the previous day who spear headed the attack with 5-38 in 13 overs. Walker-Smith's torrid time on the fortune front continued as Gadsby said to Kaufman 'Yours' and Kaufman said to Gadsby 'Not mine' and in the end the ball from Markland whistled through the gap to the thrid man boundary for 4. Burton was introduced to the attack to claim 3-10, including a smelly full toss to dismiss Ramsey captain Leighton Gilbert and a run out wrapped up the first innings for 79.

In reply and after a small rain delay Camden in the form of Kaufman and Gadbsy took to the crease to knock off this target. In accordance with the rules now governing Camden batting, things were less than smooth as Kaufman and Vincent both fell early to Kay. Osborn and Gadbsy took the score to 57-2, an apparently unassailable position before the rot of all rots began. At 73-8, which included the slowest 12 runs in Tucker League history from 60 - 72, and included the score dropping to 58 from 60. Osborn, Gadsby, Basu, Heywood, M and Wells all fell as Ramsey looked to have wrestled the initiative back with Mark Edwards claiming 3-16. Enter M.Burton, fresh from his recent module in poodle perming to save the day. A risks go, trying to beat the long on fielder off the ever accurate David Carlaw was up there. It paid off however as the fielder misjudged it horribly. In the end, Walker-Smith had the honours in ending the match as he had in starting it with a glide through third man for 4.

Fire in Babylon is set to come to Pembroke college next week as Foxton travel to the home of cricket. Meanwhile, in the test match, Former Sri Lankan skipper Twoslips Andagalle was singing the praises of Heneedsa Thirdmanne as Tokillaratne Dilshan's replacement at the top of the order

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


11-06-11 - HOME TO ICKWELL

Ickwell 166 for 9, Camden 168 for 6. RESULT - CAMDEN WIN

Camden completed their third victory in as many weeks as they saw off a plucky challenge from recently promoted Ickwell. By Camden standards, this was a cruise to victory job, though once again it was by no means without incident on the batting front. At 108-6, with Ickwell skipper Wudya Scrathmybak taking his third wicket - including that of the in form Vincent (47), things looked dangerous. Furthermore, local business tycoon Gardner was unable to contribute to sealing the victory as he had done in the previous two weeks. Reports from Volgagrad have it that the Kingston based property magnate was negotiating his latest business deal with Russian Oligarchs Inwinta Hegostuski and Healwais Fallsova, whilst catching man-eating catfish in the marshes of the Volga basin. However, keeper Heywood (45*) and Martin Burton came to Camden's rescue with a 7th wicket partnership of 60 to seal the victory with 5 overs to spare. Heywood stuck two finger up to his private school and Oxbridge cricketing education as 40 of his 45 runs came in an arch from long leg to mid wicket, including 16 off Jack Brown's second returning over

Earlier, Captain Newts continued his metamorphosis from egg to tadpole to newt to middle order batsman to wicket keeper, back to middle order batsman again, with the latest phase being new ball bowler/tail ender. Whilst he claimed the wicket of Easiasteelin Candhi, his new ball spell was quite obviously to get the shine off for Bruce Reid. Matt Thomas, having already lost an arm, was now without leg as he was only able to bowl 3 overs with a knee strain. This gave an opportunity for Vincent to join the attack and with Burton they well and truly apply the brakes. Champagne moment of the day came when Dip Basu, on his return to the 1s, pulled a remarkable catch at short leg that only Insepctor Gadget could match. Shewaz Insain put some impetus into the Ickwell innings however, taking 16 off Vincent's last over to tarnish his very impressive figures (3-40). Meanwhile, Burton claimed 3-40. Walker-Smith returned to pick up 2, including Jack Brown stumped as Heywood notched 4 victims, putting to bed his demons from the Fens as he returned to form. He was doubly relieved that a Pterodactyl had not emptied its guts on his car.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


04-06-11 - AWAY TO WISBECH

Wisbech 141 for 9, Camden 145 for 8. RESULT - CAMDEN WIN

Camden travelled to not so local rivals Wisbech in the hope that the previous week could spark a more commanding performance from the defending champions. Alas, Camden’s fate continued in much the same way that England’s recent cricket world cup bid was conducted as they were involved in yet another tight game.

Skipper Abso Lutumorona returned after a week of being felt up by random Moroccan men whilst wearing “pants skimpier than my wife’s”. Kaufman, Heywood and Madsby all returned from their respective holidays, the latter on a carefully planned Polish au pair stalking trip, so the team should have come back well refreshed. One thing however that certainly less than fresh were Michael Taylor’s whites – the Irish leg spinner looking for the Magner’s World Record of 3 complete seasons without a wash.

The freshness was there to see as Wisbech were reduced to 43-4 – Walker-Smith and Gardner taking 2 apiece each with a catch at mid-on and point. They should have been reeling at 50-6 before a nightmare spell from Kamran Akmal, once again drafted in at the last minute and changing his name to James Heywood. Heywood/Akmal dropped a regulation diving effort to remove Wood and then Albut was all but run out before the keeper missed a half-volley take. The introduction of Kaufman turned the balance in Camden’s favour on a tricky deck, taking 3-18 off 9 in a very tight spell. Thomas was as ever unlucky whilst Garnder bowled wonderfully for 16 straight overs non-stop with one arm. Wisbech eventually finished on 141-9.

In reply, in what was surely a man of the match display, Kaufman cut, pulled and slapped the Wisbech attack all round the ground as he and Gadbsy and secondly Vincent took Camden to 102-2. Vincent’s unfortunate run out started yet another rot from which Camden seem unable to escape – the next 6 wicket falling for just 30 runs as Johnson and bat maker Freear took 3 apiece, including Kaufman for 75. Eventually, after Heywood and Thomas had left most of their finger nails on the floor, Garnder was to perform the last ditch efforts for the second week running.

Meanwhile, Lords was the scene of something rather different – 5 wickets falling for 270 runs. Sadly, Sri Lanka made fewer changes than was hoped for as only Dabestabbasongis Fernando and Allthemenluvim Welesagedera coming in for Pereratrainas and Massif Bellendis.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


28-05-11 - HOME TO NASSINGTON

Camden 152 ALL OUT, Nassington 151 ALL OUT. RESULT - CAMDEN WIN WIN

Camden needed to bounce back after their horror of a defeat against Khalsa the week before and did so only by virtue of a stunning late order collapse as the last 4 Nassington batsman fell for 5 and a victory for Camden by 1 run.

Camden were without their skipper, which was a great shame as it denied the possibility of a new ball battle between Anupaira Shutugoforaruna and Hisfavord Brandwasnike; Matthew Thomas taking over. Richard Kaufman however featured for his third match and as before started brightly – he and Gadsby putting on 70 odd for the first wicket. Young guns Skinner and Osborn, the former visibly steaming after a heavy night – his bedroom resembling The Wankhede Stadium in name and nature – the ceiling allegedly turning square. Heywood came in a bunted it for singles before Gadsby started a middle order rot that is becoming commonplace in a Camden scoresheet.

Wells fell after two balls, caught entirely legitimately on the half volley and Heywood decided to get his own back on Gardner by running the latter out. This would prove to be the 3rd week in succession that the Tim McInnerny impersonator would be involved in such a dismissal; his colleagues now justified in treating him with a certain amount of caution. Only a steady last wicket partnership between Mike Taylor and late call up Munns, both batsmen believed to have recently swapped wigs a fortnight ago, scraped Camden to beyond the 150 mark. 5 Camden batsmen were dismissed by the offspin of Ineeda Sickbag and 2 fell to the jam-roly-poly leg breaks of Mohada Lambhuna .

In reply, Garnder along with the ever toiling Walker-Smith, planted Camden into a good position with an early strike apiece. Walker-Smith had Gashaf Hussain caught behind to a poaching, diving effort from Heywood, Gashaf refusing to walk despite absolutely demolishing his outside edge. Brandwasnike followed shortly before his brother Hisecondfavord Brandwasnike put on a partnership of a most bizarre nature with Omar Laud. Many a Camden fielder was to be heard saying those very words as Laud’s entire innings went 90 degress to where it should have done; Thomas employing a slips cordon in the point area for the ball intended to go through mid on. Laud eventually fell in a befitting manner as he chopped on to a Taylor long hop, the ball cannoning into leg stump despite a forcing shot through the covers.

Lambhuna came in and devoured a few early boundaries before the introduction of Kaufman meant that threes were turned into ones and twos were virtually declined. Brandwasnike and Sickbag fell to Kaufman, the latter spewing as he dragged his foot to be out stumped. Lambhuna continued on his merry way with Robinson and then Norman, before Kaufman took a sharp catch to start an unbelievable rot. Thereafter it was local property magnate Gardner who had to dig his team out of trouble by claiming an almost incredible 3-4 in his second spell from the pavilion end – Lambhuna stranded at the other end with still half a plate full.

Two days later, The Swalec Stadium in Cardiff was to prove to be the host of another unbelievable cricket match. After declaring shortly after Ian Bellend got his 100, Chris Tremlett and Gona Broad got stuck into the Sri Lankan top order. Ashoala Piranas didn’t really have the teeth for the battle, he eventually nibbled at one outside of stump and was caught by Strauss. Tokillaratne Dilshan was well and truly trapped by Tremlett and an early wobble has begun. The experienced pair of Michala Strachanhadsumdina and Thenshe Rangforacara looked like they could numb the England attack before Graeme Goose was introduced from some end or other. Strachanhadsumdina fell to Tremlett and Rangforacara was well and truly left behind, caught again by Strauss off Goose.

Wersthetresha Somewhereoverheera was now where the X marks the spot as he missed a ball from Goose, whereas Farvacrismasheez Ontharoof got half way down the chimney, sorry, on the crease as he prodded at one off Goose for none. First innings hero Heluvsbananas Aftadina wasn’t able to stem the rot either. A brief and light footed partnership of 30 by Thisaranu Pereratrainas and Lakmal, the latter having recently changed his name from Kamran Akmal and changing his passport after recent threats for his life after his a sieve like World Cup performance behind the timbers, only delayed the inevitable before Pereratrainas got his laces all in a knot as he has caught at short leg and Lakmal fended a short ball from Tremlett to the slips. Only Massif Bellendis was not out as those poor little Sri Lankans were skittled for 82.

Sri Lanka’s only hope for Lords is to make a host of changes and provided your cricket correspondent with more fuel for taking the mickey out of peoples names.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


21-05-11 - AWAY TO KHALSA

Khalsa 198 ALL OUT, Camden 153 ALL OUT. RESULT - KHALSA WIN

Despite being in a buoyant mood after getting things back on the right track at Sawston, Camden were utterly humiliated by Khalsa in the 5th installment of the 2011 Tucker Premier League. Winning the toss for the first time since round 1, Captain Adlikeya Tucumaranamyplace had little hesitation in opting to bowl. His bowlers immediately got to work on the Khalsa top order, restricting them to not many for 3 (as ever, the home team’s reporting on play cricket left little to be desired as I shall come to later). However, the Portugese International Areek APee and his partner Sheesa Man-soor put on a steady 4th partnership. Burton broke the deadlock when he took Apee and it seemed likely that the middle order of Pavarottican, Domingocan and Carrerascan Singh would follow in quick succession. However, Shesa Man-soor had other ideas as he tucked in firstly to Keith Vincent and latterly to Michael Taylor, hitting the Irish leg break bowler for three very large sixes indeed. The innings eventually came to a close when Charlie Walker-Smith claimed Mansoor, Singh and someone else to end with 4-52. Burton was back to his miserly best taking 2-17 off 15 overs supported Michael Taylor 2-37 – his figures ruined somewhat by the brutal Sheesa Mansoor.

In reply, Two good Singhas opened the bowling, much to the disappointment of Alikeya Tucumaranamyplace and Hava Shagsby as both openers preferred it hard and fast. Alas, the slow stuff was the undoing of virtually every Camden batsman as they slumped to 70-9 – Jirpal and Mandeep claiming 4 and 5 wickets respectively. Normally, batsman are trapped in the headlights when the ball is whistling down at high speed. On this occasion however, the ball behaved in much the opposite fashion, at times it being debated whether it would reach the other end without assistance. In any event, enter Walker-Smith, with new/old bat in hand and the possibility of a repeat of Foxton 2009. Along with Heywood, CWS doubled the score for the last wicket, the possibility of a remote victory doubling as Heywood took a shining to the new ball. Sadly, Mr Tall from Roger Hargreaves’ Mr Men was the last man out for a well crafted 55. However he was not stumped to the grenade bowling of Jirpal Singh, as has been advertised previously on ‘play cricket’, but in fact run out for the second time in consecutive weeks taking a second from the outfield, the wicket keeper/chief Pimblett impersonator being dismissed by yet another direct hit from the ropes.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


14-05-11 - AWAY TO SAWSTON

Camden 233 FOR 8, Sawston 162 for 9. RESULT - MATCH DRAWN

Camden travelled to the newly renovated Spicer’s recreation ground in search of a much needed victory to breathe fire into their championship defence. Alas, it was the Cambridge based team that left the day with the levels of disappointment that so often follow a curry as they failed to take the last Sawston wicket to claim victory in a game they otherwise dominated.

Will Sutton and Nigel Gadsby exchanged early attempts to acquire pink sock status – the former getting pinned at the non-striker, whilst both were involved in the horrid run out of Gadsby. Sutton called no, then yes, and then no again as Gadsby was left stranded in the middle of the wicket with not a hope in hell. NG decided to seek a different source of pink as he tried the new tv facilities, with Agnes, early 50s looking the bookies favourite.

Meanwhile, Sutton continued on, despite being hampered by his new calf trauma. He was joined eventually by Matt Thomas and put on a partnership of some considerable size. Sutton was out caught behind for 69. He was only one of three batsmen to be dismissed by a bowler, as Senseless Tailenders’ International Floundering Federation Run Out Day (STIFF ROD) began to take its toll on the remainder of the Camden middle order. Mutu, Osborn, Heywood and Taylor all joining Gadsby in that mode of dissmissal. Personally, I blame Simon Gardner, but then again he can pretty much do what he likes. Camden eventually made their way to a competitive 233 for 8, with Matt Thomas (69) joint top scoring.

In reply Sawston, well, blocked the bottom off it as Taylor and Burton opened in miserly fashion with the old pill. Wickets fell at regular intervals: Kiwi Blanchard got stuck in with STIFF ROD and after Burton claimed the wicket of Pearson with, in the words of skipper Newts, a Yoda like leg side stumping from someone whose general body proportions are far removed from the green Jedi leader, things looked very good indeed for Camden. After the introduction of the new ball at a latish stage and with more wickets falling, the pressure was on the lower order to hang around in the gloom. Captain Ellis was the 9th man to go, chopping on to Walker-Smith and with three overs left at 10 and Knave, Camden must have fancied their chances. Alas, Ellis jnr and Smith batted out resolutely and a victory went begging.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


07-05-11 - AWAY TO ST IVES

Camden 142 ALL OUT, St Ives 147 for 5. RESULT - ST IVES WIN

Camden became the third team in succession to sucumb to St Ives Town CC as they lost by 5 wickets. Stuck in on a grennun, with muggy, damp and overcast condition, Camden's amphibian captain should have been in his element. Alas, batting and being a Newt (yes, Umpire Shepherd was in town again) are two very different things and Camden batsmen struggled to get the ball away on a wicket offering plenty to the accurate medium pace of Moynan and Setchell. Wickets fell at regular intervals, including the unfortunate Mutucumarana who had to wait a good 15 minutes to be given out. Wells and Gardner repaired the damage and upped the scoring rate at the same time, both taking a shining to an off break bowler whose name has yet to be revealed by the Playcricket website. Both however got a bit too greedy as they fell eyeing up one boundary too many. In any event, Camden slithered their way to 145, and in the knowledge that these were the first batting points scored off St Ives this season, a competitive total on a jungle-esque wicket might have been obtained.

Sadly, the new ball, rather than whistling into the slips cordon of thick edges, did so to the boundary as Beale (I think - 43) and Williams (pretty sure) got St Ives off to a flier. The wicket, seemingly more like an arid savannah than the sort of rainforest that one might find the Batsmen of the Kalahari (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khqxEFH90IU), seemed decidely less vicious. A solitary, yet promising over from the 3rd debutant in as many weeks, Thomas Probert was followed by the indual spin of Martin Burton and Keith Vincent. Beale eventually fell to Burton and the possibility of a collapse remained as two new men were at the crease. The introduction of Matt Thomas really did restrict scoring as he provided his skipper with the only genuine control all afternoon. Sadly, despite a minor tremor as someone else edged to stand in wicket keeper Muturama, St Ives finished the game with successive boundaries with 5 wickets still left.

Near table toppers Sawston provide Camden with their next opposition as the Champions attempt to get their defence back on track. Camden will surely look forward to the newly opened pavillion at the Spicer's sports ground as they vie to find their chilli hot form from last year.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


30-04-11 - AWAY TO MARCH

Camden 260 ALL OUT, March 254 for 7 RESULT - MATCH DRAWN

Camden escaped with a draw as they travelled to March on yet another clear, but windy April day. Chasing 261 for victory, the home team ended up 7 short with 3 wickets in hand, despite looking in control of the run chase for the vast majority of the innings

Earlier in the day, Captain Mootoes, (or Newts to his umpiring buddies) lost the toss after a half an hour seminar on the laws of the game with opposition captain Chris Ringham and Umpire Shepherd. Word has it the umpire Shepherd spent 80% of the time trying to pronounce the Camden leader's name before conceding and opting for one straight out of the 'Cambridgeshire's Reptiles and Amphibians Publication' or CRAP. Nevertheless, whilst Gadsby wore a bouncer or two from Cambridge MCCU captain Rob Wooley, Richard Kauffman took Ringham's bowling to the sword; a field that matched his name was certainly not the order of the day as balls disappeared everywhere and his role in the match ended prematurely with figures of 2-0-20-0. The early introduction of spin from Jivan Lotay however saw both openers depart in quick succession, bringing NZ pairing of Vincent and Thomas. Thomas continued where he left off against Godmanchester and KV followed in his footsteps as both raced to impressive 40s. As was to be common throughout the day however, wickets fell in clusters and soon Camden were reduced to 145-5. Wells batted in muscular fashion for 18 before providing John Gilson with the first of his two stumpings. Keeper Heywood, with blood still boiling after domestic conflict involving some very heavy bits of wood and an ailing back, plus local Business Tycoon Gardener put Camden back on track. Gardener struggled early as much ball passed bat, but soon hit his straps with some beautifully timed hitting. Heywood meanwhile clothed his way to 46, running far too often for his ever creaking lumbar area before he and Charlie Walker-Smith fell in the last over with the score on 260.

In reply, Michael Taylor, making his debut, took the old ball first up in a desperate attempt to impress his new amphibious leader and importantly save face after a disastrous warm up where he spend most of the time on the floor. He, along with Martin Burton could not extract early wickets and the new ball was taken. March openers Wilcox and Woolley (the latter most certainly getting his match fee's worth) continued along without concern before the latter fell foul of a misjudged single to the brilliant Greater-crested Nutu at mid off. Kauffman came into the attack and opened his season account and suddenly things looked in the balance. The swing could have gone even further in Camden's favour had a) John Snow been present with the appropriate televisual swingometer display and more importantly b) Heywood clung onto a diving chance to get rid of the dangerous Brahmbhatt. Alas, John Snow didn't materialise and the ball went to ground and Brahmbhatt, whose batting bore a fair resemblance to the brutal serving of Goran Ivanisevic in his pomp, went about his business to build a steady 3rd wicket partnership with Lotay.

Ivan-he's-a-bitch eventually departed for 59 and Lotay continued his bizarre innings; for 75% of time he looked like he'd never played before, the other 25% looking a million dollars. Matt Thomas, the unlucky bowler in the Heywood dropped catch debacle, should have ended up with a hat-full, but left the field with just the solitary scalp. Burton, Vincent and latterly Kauffman all claimed wickets as new batsmen came and went looking for the boundary whilst Lotay mysteriously got singles. A hint of cynicism would lead one to conclude that the young man was looking to protect his average. Camden move on to table topping St Ives as they continue their early season tour of Cambridgehire.

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood


23-04-11 - AWAY TO GODMANCHESTER

Godmanchester 195 ALL OUT, Camden 196 for 2. RESULT - CAMDEN WIN

At a time when many a club cricketer would be reaching into the garage to dust off the old gear, 2010 batting-average-topper Nigel Gadsby donned his brand new pads for the first time and produced a terrifically crafted innings of 81 not out as he guided Camden to their victory target of 196. He needed them too (the pads that is), a number of close lbws once again going the Cambs chairman's way. Things might have been different however as the Fenland legend came within seconds of playing in an Oxfordshire shirt and racking up perhaps the biggest fine of all time (notwithstanding a normal week from Tom Osborn).

The game could have been incredulous for all sorts of other reasons as debutant Richard Kauffman obliterated the Godmanchester new ball with 45 off 42 balls - 40 of those runs coming in boundaries. Sadly, his was the first wicket to fall at 61-1 as he went lbw to the deceptively pacey Joe Dawborn.

After a brief interlude, which also included the wicket of Keith Vincent, Matt Thomas - minus his right arm which was left hanging in the pavillion after a very fine 11 overs of swing bowling - came to the crease and gave his own fine display of batsmanship with 57 of 60 balls.

Earlier however, after captain Mutucumarammalamadingdong won the toss and invited the home team to bat, much of the captain's meticulous winter planning went out the window. A series of dropped catches, and the presence of 6 foot plus fielders behind the wicket instead of mid on/mid off meant that Godmanchester progressed to 114-2 and 'Lamadingdong tearing his hair out. The introduction of spin twins Burton and Vincent however stemmed the flow and two wickets fell to sweep shots in the space of 2 overs. A resurrection from captain Clement and Jefferson took the score to 177-5, whereupon captain Mootoes completed the greatest robbery since Ronnie Biggs as he picked off 3 for 7. Charlie Walker-Smith will now be unavailable for several weeks as he recovers from a broken foot - the sightscreen taking something of a battering as he watched on in disbelief after his 16 overs of toil in the heat.

Other unavailabilities include Tom Osborn (broken body after fiery encouter with Martin Burton) and Nigel Gadsby (restraining order from a man called Sean).

Find the match score card here.

Match report - James Heywood