Camden 1st XI 2013 Match reports


'Four Skinned'

A rain soaked Churchill was the scene for a farce of a match as NCI still harboured remote plans of a 'by-the-finger-nail-end' relegation avoidance job. Alas, even a collectively hungover Camden, complete with a tombola batting order and an attack spear-headed by Guy Skinner, made a mockery of the newly-relegates.

The most excited the home team got all day was upon winning the toss, and why not - a seamer's paradise you would have thought. Despite the raffle order, the Camden list resembled something close to normal as Vincent, Mutu, Kay and Gadsby were the first four in. Vincent made a superb 80 whilst Mutu did a usual get in, look mint, be dismissed lbw and of course, not be out.

‘The umpire was more than happy to grant Skinner and Vincent two absolutely plum lbws, not to mention Mutu's.’

Gadsby and Ray Maguire both cashed in with 30 somethings and the score was taken well over 200, by which time NCI resembled a car with no wheels, let alone one that had them coming off.

Tea: Not bad, nice to see some bananas on offer.

As if things couldn't get worse for NCI, they had the seats, dashboard, roof lining and stereo taken as well as Guy Skinner peeled and removed the flesh of the NCI top order with 4 unlikely wickets in his first 4 overs. Alas, a 5-fer proved elusive and captain Mutu bowled him into the ground. Onda Mendra came in with 2 wickets of his own and with only one wicket remaining to end a miserable day for the home team, a foregone conclusion seemed only moments away. Alas, BatmanandRobin Thomson and an un-named Irishman took the score to over 100. Fittingly, KV finished proceedings with a plumb as you are likely to find lbw (are you still reading Mutu?) and the game was over thank you very much.

The 'Tuck into the Gardner's Tea League' final standings will be posted shortly.

1st XI Vs Godmanchester: SEPTEMBER 7TH 2013 - BY JAMES HEYWOOD

'Gadsby returns'

Not even the return of Nigel Gadsby could spark a win from Camden. This was an event that many thought they would never see, not at least this year. Such was the evident return to fitness that captain Wentada Lutu sent him straight off to the longest boundary on the ground, though this was more likely to keep the 50 something-year-old out of ear shot.

ToyotaRav Four opened the bowling and had Matt Davies-Bingedrinker caught at slip off one that turned. Meanwhile, Simon Gardner, in his first game back after surgery - surgeons performing a full head transplant with Phil Edwards the kind donor - wheeled away at the top end. Phil Gardner bowled with control on his knackered knees and hit just the right spots on a pitch with several cracks.

'Nigel Gadsby waves to the thousands of adoring motorists on the Goddy section of the A14'

Adam Cousins departed soon afterwards, as did Simon Rose with a brisk 8, bringing captain Pateman and keeper Marsh to the crease. Both attacked Rav Four, but the latter was the eventual victor as Marsh holed out to Paul Hogan, who had time to slot his knife back in his pocket before cupping the ball nicely.

The bearded Howells came and went after a quick cameo, all the while leaving Pateman starved of strike. Howells and Baldwin fell in successive balls to leave Vinnie Chase on a hat-trick. The other Marsh fell shortly after from a smart stumping from Lord Percy and after Pateman was dismissed for 47 with the score on 108-8, Camden were looking at chasing a low total.

Alas, Paul Jefferson, Adam Rendall and Matthew Kay had other ideas. Jefferson spooned one behind the bowler, only for the beliegered Kay to wave it through to the keeper, even though he was standing at the other end. Jefferson and Rendall ended up taking the score to 177 and Camden feeling like an opportunity had gone begging.

Tea was excellent, certainly a late bid to challenge for the Tuck into the Garder's Tea league table!

In reply, Gadsby couldn't quite bring off a hero's return as he was bowled by Rose. In any event, the travelling support on the A14 couldn't really see him anyway. Batsmen came and went in regular, though not frequent succession. Lutu got stuck in, as is his want against his old club. When he was dismissed 'never-in-a-million-years-was-that-lbw-guv-that-was-missing-another-set', the wind really disappeared from the Camden sails. The run rate was never a problem however, and for a while the team's Satellite navigation system, Tom Hogan and Tom Maguire looked like they might get Camden over the line. Alas, the remaining wickets fell tamely and the last wicket partnership from the home team proved vital.

1st XI Vs Wisbech: AUGUST 31ST 2013 - BY JAMES HEYWOOD

‘Wisbech? More like where’s the beach?’

Wisbech away has now become something of a by-word for calamity as for the 3rd time in 5 years, Camden were blown away by the skilful and, notwithstanding the presence of a large banana skin next week against Castor & Ailsworth, title winning Wisbech. After it became apparent that a 1230 start was in fact the official start time, panic reigned in the Camden dressing room as the only available players were vc Percy, Kay and Wells. As per usual, the away team negated to take into account the fact that the majority of traffic in around the capital of the Fens travel at a maximum of 30 mph are usually quite large, resulting in a heavy ‘late fine’ burden. Fortunately, Percy won the toss and elected to bat on a new wicket and collective sigh of relief was had (well, from those who were there).

‘Camden arrived at the ground early and well prepared for their battle in the Capital of the Fens’

Vincent was out immediately, but then Butuagoosa and Mike Wells steadied the ship (not, the ship that most of the players had got on to get to the ground), though struggled to get the ball away effectively on a slow outfield. The introduction of the combative Williams saw the departure of Butu and then Mike Wells. Roundabenda batted in Jeckyl & Hyde mode, either crashing it to the boundary in imperious manner or getting nowhere near it, was out for 14. Kaypers meanwhile batted assuredly, cashing in on his midweek runs (oh, by the way, did he mention that his gear needed drying off in the sun – big runs against the Gents of Essex apparently, class act) including one delightful cover drive that had Butu dashing to the bathroom. He was eventually out for 29.

Guy Skinner wanted to run pretty much every time he hit the ball and with Percy and Krang coming and going in quick succession, the innings petered to a halt as the hitherto lacking momentum caused the shuddering collapse of the lower order in the search of quick late innings runs. A calamitous (yes, that word again) demise of Lepage-Dean, stumped as he went for a lovely stroll down the wicket brought the innings to a close with 3 overs still left.

Tea was actually quite decent.

What followed was a calculated despatch of the bowling as Freear and Captain Burton knocked off the runs for no loss in 26 overs, the only marginally greater pumping occurring just down the road at the Deeping Fen pumping station. The weight of Krang’s head was too much for his knee to cope with and, whilst Butu bowled generally good areas, offered a four ball an over that no fielder was really interested in stopping. Mahendra and Vincent extracted some turn, but a little too late in the piece and the game finished early doors with Lepage-Dean again providing the final act with his spaceships.

1st XI Vs Waresley: AUGUST 3RD 2013 - BY JAMES HEYWOOD

‘We’ve found him’

An all round combined batting, fielding and bowling display gave Camden the much needed impetus ahead of this crucial three week period. Vincent and Russell got things off to a sound, albeit slow start, nullifying the effects of Saeed Arm with the new ball. Vincent and Newtu took the score to the 50 mark before Chase plopped a rank long hop from Robert Crazypaving in the one claw of Arm. Then the innings defining partnership between Montgomery Burns and Newtu as the pair added 89. Newtu went after reaching 50 and was replaced by David Warner. Alas, Kaypers didn’t have the luxury of wasting a review and was sawn off by the Umpire StrikesBack. Krang, Wells, Skinner and Gray all came in to give the end of the innings more impetus as Garnder finally departed for a skilful and elegant 76. Bigel Juckingham-Bones ended with 4 wickets, though was never allowed to settle and was a lot more expensive than on previous outings.

‘Keith Vincent has the last laugh as he buys 5 really expensive wickets’

Tea was really very decent, what a shame that we had to field.

Actually, a shame it wasn’t as the pitch became increasingly hard to bat on, a fact that became apparent after Toyota Rav was brought into the attack, the four wheel drive option being particularly helpful in the humps and hollows of the Waresley outfield. At 80-3, with overs ticking away and with the seamers not making huge impression on the wicket column, the introduction of Vincent Chase to ‘buy a few’ proved Newtu’s master stroke. Aided by excellent catching from Al Russell (pouching 3 excellent catches at short leg), Simon Garnder (a blinder to remove Crazypaving) and Vincent (to remove Saeed Arm), Camden romped to only their 4th victory of the season, with Chase buying 5 for 9 off 8.5 overs – really expensive stuff. Camden move back home to face fellow table proper-uppers St. Ives.

1st XI Vs Foxton: JULY 27TH 2013 - BY JAMES HEYWOOD

‘Out Foxed’

Keely Andrews starred for Foxton as he took 6-32 to shred Camden's hopes of a duet of victories against local South Cambs rivals. Only skipper Iwudntsay Butuagoosa provided any resistance with 32 as his side were dismissed for 73 in pursuit of only 106. Two calamitous run outs crowned off a shocker of a second half as the Camden innings came to a close after only 27.5 overs.

‘Even Mike Glazingsalesman in moon boot could not inspire his clubmates to victory’

Early, that a victory was only a sniff away was due to the sterling work of Garnder and Edwards, both reeling 16 on the roll in awkwardly muggy conditions. Dangerous batsman replaced dangerous batsman as both toiled away with disciplined lines and lengths on a helpfully green deck, aided by some good fielding. Chris Pepper tried to niggle with a grittyish 21 before he tamely went and the danger men (there they are again) Douglas Jeffries and Keely Andrews came to the wicket. A change was forced eventually, but Vincent snared Andrews with a ct & stumped combo from Lord Percy. Douglas was eventually out lbdonkers as he might well have been earlier.

Tea was okay I guess, the bread was a little cardboard like and there were no radishes.

Andrews set to work immediately as Vincent and Garnder were removed with swinging balls. A middle stump or two was removed as Pearson, in an attempt to counterattack played one too many shots and suddenly the score was on 36-4. Edwards supported his skipper for a 23 ball 6, followed by a 19 ball 3 from Percy. Both were cleaned up by Keely, who now had her tail up. Basu went first ball after the departure of Butuagoosa and then the Fred Carno circus of run outs, this time for once not involving James Heywood brought to an end a miserable second half.


‘Wooley or won’t he?’

Camden's first score of any proportions was still not enough on a baking hot day at the PCCG. Gardner and Vincent, followed by Garnder and Wells took the score to 130-1 after stand in captain Le Compte de Frou-Frou won the toss and elected to bat. Castor deserve credit however for the manner in which the new ball was used, D. Cotton in particular proving very hard to get away, Wells so much as hanging himself after every delivery. Good death bowling, especially from Woolley halted the hosts progress towards 200 though full advantage of Stainless Steel (15-1-67-3) was made.

‘So good was the tea, James Heywood swallowed not only his sandwiches, but the plate as well’

Tea was superb – again - Lucy doing a fine job with limitless volume of cake.

A wicket in the first over brought much excitement to the Camden ranks as Vincent had Wright right out of there, caught at short leg, got'im!. Steel then unleashed an assault on the young Kiwi that forced the early introduction of Gardner, still blowing after his marathon 87 (sorry, forgot to mention that). Steel was eventually caught in spectacular fashion by Jumbo Cummins' personal crumpet rack as Al Russell - in his first game back from returning from a 2nd year at Eton - leapt backwards, sideways and almost with a double pike and somersault to remove the dangerous South African. Enter Woolley, whose innings of 55 not was anything but. Edwards entered the fray and a glimmer of hope appeared as the in form Barter and round Broekman were dismissed, exposing Wife Bitas and potentially a long tail. Alas, Bitas got stuck in and saw his charges home for a comfortable 6 wicket victory.


‘Seymour Spin?’

Camden capitulated once more to March as Steve Seymour once again led the way, though this time he was most dangerous with bat in hand as he guided his team to a meagre 130

'Mike Double takes his leave'

Earlier, Stand in captain Lord Percy Percy, heir to the Duchy of Northumberland, won the toss on what looked a good wicket with the sun shining. After the early departure of Hainesmanual for his first ball of the day, Kaypers and V.Chase took the home side to a solid opening. Seymour entered the attack and took the heart from the middle order, as well as the ankle of Mike Heartbypass. Percy and Brown restored some semblance of fight as the captain took heed of his own Churchillian rhetoric, but then gave it all away as he precipitated his side’s demise.

In reply, wickets were hard to come by as Vincent and Nightona Bendra toiled away. A wicket a piece for the spinners turned into 3 down as Brown was introduced. Barton was brought into the attack and extracted some swing, mostly despatched into the point area, recently vacated as Mike Heartbypass was ushered away from the field at Chelsea Pensioner pace. The game was done and dusted and March were left with the prospect of a very long night on the tiles.


‘Umpires have No Clue In’it’

Hoping to end what has been a horror June, Camden recorded their first league win since May 18th against a weak N.C.I. Buoyed by the return of Thomas Prodigal Probert, the home team were asked to bowl first by local rivals. At 31-7, the shoe appeared to be on the other foot as Garnder took 6 of the first 7 to fall. Camden were aggressive in the field, led by the angry Dr MutuandMrhyde. Craig Eden and Charlie Sorensen batted well to take the score to 81, though how some of the lbw’s weren’t given is beyond belief. Umpires Dave Dreamer and Reg Isteredblind, to be as polite as possible, had a Weston and the game could have been over a little bit quicker had they been on form. That two batsman should apologetically chip catches to mid-off after the unsuccessful appeals gives an indication of how out they felt.

“Simon Garnder looks on in disbelief as another lbw is turned down’

Further irritation was caused as Sorensen was dropped out on the ropes and Rob Taylor helped his partner to over the 100 mark. Dip Basu pulled off an unlikely direct hit from deep cover and the Camden XI were eventually relieved to get off the field.

Tea was superb, well done Lucy! The Tuna/Sweetcorn didn’t fare that well but there was more chocolate cheesecake than could be waved at a Frenchman.

In a reshuffling of the batting order, Vincent took to the crease with Garnder, though this time neither was playing squash. Gardner eventually fell with the score on 13, the local property tycoon falling for a 29 ball duck. Vincent and Dr. Mutuandmrhyde took the score to 68-2 before Vincent nicked one. Dr. Mutuandmrhyde battled his way to 38* and Matt Kay almost saw the side over the line with 20. Guy Skinner hit the shot of the day, merely blocking the ball to the boundary in an example of pure timing and power.


‘1 for 4, and we aren’t even in Australia!’

Last week was deemed rock bottom in these pages, so I suppose this game might be considered to have ploughed through the earths crust, withstood the incomprehensibly hot planetary core and popped out the otherside. At 1 for 4 (yes, that is 1 run, 4 wickets), Camden’s batting display moved to an all time low. Only two rather dull partnerships between Capt. Darling (52* from 100) and Guy Skinner (12 from 32) and latterly Alput Mahandona (4 from 41) gave the scoreline a three figure picture, getting within 5 overs of a drawn match.

“Captain Darling’s eyes were red with fury after another poor performance’

Earlier, many of the Camden bowlers went the distance, Krang in particular being despatched by Pies Pateman (80) and latterly William Chethan in a 14 ball cameo 32. Garnder was once again the pick of the seamers, claiming the wicket of Matt Davis-Bingedrinker. Bradley Wayne batted for 110 balls for his 58, losing the plot along the way as Matthew Kay got in his ear. Once again, help was required from the umpires to extract Kay from the batsman’s head. Martin Burton turned down the opportunity to bat against his old club, the notion that he might sacrifice his wicket at the end of the innings to keep the in-form Chethan on strike a preposterous one.

Tea was okay.

In reply, William and Wayne knocked over the first 5 for 15, after which the score progressed to 38-8 before Darling and Skinner took the score to within 12 of a batting point.


‘Short game’s a good game.’’

Captain Ahaveababyboyandam Dutuhavanatha's team hit rock bottom as they were well and trult trashed by table topping Wisbech.

The severity of the defeat means that all fenland, vegetable and polydactyly based jokes are to be shelved for this week; there can be no justification for such attack on the back of such a resounding loss. Only Wisbech's demolition of the Cambridge based side from the tail end of 2012 could surpass this one..

“Matthew Kay’s knee injury continues to be a cause of concern’

Batting first on a sporting wicket with carry, seam movement but also some aid for batsmen, Dutuhavanatha and Andy Haynesmanual got off to a start before the latter became a victim of Brad Barritt, the NZ seamer having his last go before doubling in width and strength before his late Lions call up. Darling strode in next before was out again to the spin of Craig Johnson, bowled as he jammed one between bat and pad. A rebuilding process was required (again), but Mutu and Longbeard fell in quick succession to put the raw middle order of Camden once again under pressure.

Speaking of rebuilding, Matthew Kay is looking for a quote for a new bathroom, particular in the tiling and decorating department. Formal enquiries should be sent to: kaypers@chundercats.vom

Batsman came and went, but a glimmer of hope made itself known out to the south west as large and threatening clouds came over the ground. A prolonged rain break appeared to have saved Camden, though for some this just resulted in a switch of attention to a new sport, Simon Garnder taking on all comers in the squash courts. Tea was prolonged, which is just as well as it was quite good (even if the tea-maker does say so himself). It certainly makes for an interesting footnote in the ‘Tuck into the Gardner League table’.

Play resumed and batsman continued to come and go, culminating in the departure of another chunderer in the form of Mike Breastedjacket.

Gary Freear and his opening partner made light work of the adjusted total, with a tenth being scored before a legitimate ball was bowled; Krang's figures at one point reading 0-0-7-0. Freear nicked off to Brown but this was too late in the piece to create any panic in the Wisbech ranks.


‘Rammed by Ramsey’

Camden crashed to their second consecutive defeat as they were well and truly thrashed by in form Ramsey. That the scoreline could imply a semblance of non-embarrassment was down to the two Camden men of the day as Andy Brown and Simon Gardner, and then latterly Imon Damenda and new man David Noballs took the score from 28-7 to the eventual 114 all out. Certainly a call to reverse the batting order will be made when absent captain Catsgo Mewtocalltotherownas returns next week.

Earlier, Camden acquitted themselves in the field, despite half the side being camped on the Michael Kay14 for much of the warm up. Indeed, it was only the aforementioned Kay who arrived in good time. Sadly, he was still unable to appear on deck at the prescribed time as his red hot chilli nandos was summoned to demolish what was already the back-up toilet. Gardner took all manner of drugs and was wheeled in for a virtually unchanged spell of 16-2-46-4, the senior man showing great experience in the jug-avoidance department by taking only the first four wickets of the innings. Included was Tasmanian Luke Stewart who was palpably done over by Captain Captain Darling, the keeper kicking the all three stumps over, breaking one in half and throwing the splintered end at the outgoing batsmen as he fervently reminded him that he had been bowled neck and crop.

“Andy Brown enjoys a smoke after a satisfactory day at the office’

Debutant David Noballs was a little expensive, though bowled an excellent and always attacking line. That did however enable to allow Ramsey to get off to a flier and only the introduction of Imon Damenda were the brakes fully applied, the score going from 43-1 to 78-6 as Gardner and Benda bowled very straight. Vincent continued the good work of Garnder and eventually dismissed the dangerous Michael Lockandkey (51), his brothers (of which an unprecedented only 2 were present) being dismissed cheaply. Edward Marks batted with application to help the former captain and allowed the home team to reach the 150 mark before Andy Brown and Keith Vincent cleaned up the tail, including the hapless Matthew Kay.

Tea was excellent, thanks. Not quite a Foxton, but definitely challenging for a play off place. Made all the better as the ODI at Edgbaston was on the box.

Camden started abysmally, and very quickly found themselves 25-5 and then 28-7. Ram Pissington bowled excellent left arm over inswing and was profited with 3 lbws, including the wicket of Michael Kay, in his eventual 5-21. Keith Vincent, Mike Standards, Michael Kay and James Heywood all fell lbw. Matthew Kay bowled terrifically also from the other end, claiming 3-24 and the home side eyed a very early finish. Brown and Gardner had other ideas as both batted with application and saw off the dangerous Pissington. Edwards provided little respite but Cade provided some easier runs from Matthew Kay’s end (not to mention what was left of that chilli Nandos). Damenda played some excellent shots before becoming the 5th lbw of the innings and after a 30 run last wicket partnership Noballs was the last wicket to fall as Chris Wilson eyed and early finish. That the bowler was the only appealer did not deter from a prompt march into the pavilion bar. Brown meanwhile was left stranded on a well earned 34 not out.

Footnote: We wish Imon Damenda to be on the mend as he headed what was the only truly bouncing ball of the day, the unfortunate left-armer copping one on the eyelid at short cover.


‘Spot fixing allegations at the PCCG as Sutton drops himself’

Camden came within a whisker of turning the tables on their bogey team as they were unable to prise the last St Ives wicket in what was an otherwise excellent all-round display at the PCCG. Having set Ives 198 for victory, the visitors could muster but 98-9 in reply, there being little in the way of intent from the outset.

After two days biblical rain, and Trevor Munns looking a little like Noah but without the beard, the scene was set for a bowl first on a dampish wicket that would theoretically only improve as the brisk Northerlies would dry out the pitch and the outfield. Indeed, stand in Captain Captain Darling informed his troops of that very intent should he win the toss. In spite of this, he panicked at the last second and opted to bat, a bold move but one that Messrs Gardner and Edmonds were left dumbfounded by.

‘Captain Darling is left pondering what might have been’

Initially, Cowsgo Mutusignaltodafarma’s replacement would have been happy with his decision as Johnson and Longbeard set about the new ball bowling of Paul Swannell and Will Sutton with aplomb. Longbeard rode his luck a little and despite Will Sutton extracting some movement off the green surface, Johnson played him very well, driving him down the ground and into Grantchester to the village shop to buy the papers whenever he overpitched.

Four wickets fell in the space of 18 runs as the introduction of Complete Muggleton turned the tables. Johnson once again added to his encyclopaedia of how to get out in a cricket match and Will Sutton, this time with bat in hand also nicked off. Vincent was unable to convert his recent good form into a third consecutive 50 and Longbeard fell to the introduction of Aplantwithnowater Withers.

Michael Kay and Nick Wells set about the re-building process and Wells in particular took a fancy to the spin duo of Withers and Toby Gardner, Wells hitting 4 sixes and a four in his 39. He eventually fell trying for one six too many. Andy Brown steadied the ship again, ensuring we lost no further wickets before the final ten overs. That he ended up with a 20 ball duck wasn’t quite what he had in mind, but a useful job it did. Kay fell soon after Krang and the steam appeared to be running out of Camden. Captain Captain Darling and Needanu Gardner put on 24 for the 9th wicket to get the total in the 190s. In all, Darling could breathe a sigh of relief at his choice to bat first.

Tea wasn’t the worst, but no Nassington.

In reply, Toby Gardner was asked to face up to his father and found defensive duties quite straightforward on Noah’s excellent wicket. Phillipe Edmonds got the ball rolling with the removal of Smith1 and Garnder removed the dangerous and highly volatile D.O. Durrant for no score. A hiatus in the runs and wickets followed as Will Sutton entered the fray and he and Garnder crawled to 33. Sutton was dropped by himself at slip before eventually being caught in the same position by Longbeard off Gardner.

Vincent was introduced after Krang took just the one wicket and some turn was extracted. He was the one who eventually saw off Gardner, the bully eventually putting the poor kid out of his misery. Withers fell immediately afterwards, obviously very keen to get back to playing cricket with a tennis ball. The danger man Swannell was still in and pacing around like a caged tiger it was just the sort of frustration and aggression that the Camden men wanted to see, proceedings having been somewhat pedestrian to that point. With attacking fields, the runs started to flow. He eventually fell as Darling eventually brought on Toyota Rav and the wickets really started to tumble. Longbeard took an excellent catch off Rav and the re-introduction of Krang, keen to exterminate some mutuant reptiles saw Ryan Waywards and Jack Nocock bowled. A Yorker from Krang shaved the outside of Clark’s legstump but the bail did not fall off. Smith2 saw off the last over from Rav and Captain Captain Darling was left rueing his late introduction. A sound performance however completed a good mini series of three games for Cowsgo Mutusignaltodafarma’s men.


‘Where’s Lee?’

Camden continued on from their win against Matt Gray’s mercenaries by beating Waresnickley by 4 wickets. Captain Ivor Nusootaputonahanga lost the toss and found his team in the field in their first home game of the season. Munns for once had prepared something with a bit of carry and, whilst a little green, seemed like a good cricket wicket. The Ronald-MacDonald brothers got their side off to a solid start, though never got away from the fielding side and at the half way stage were 74-0. Krang was unable to find the edge and Hiredanew Gardner was unable to dig out the stubborn defence, though the batting took on a strange pattern as initial salvos were launched before the batsmen retreated into their teenage muntant ninja turtle shells.

Camden pressed themselves into starting the second 24 overs well and to continue their tight bowling, but instead leaked runs. Krang and then Vincent removed the brothers in consecutive overs, Simon Donald in particular going in awful fashion. Thereafter, Camden squeezed in the field and Kaypers probably squeezed one out as well. Nighton Dabenda rumped out Sonearbutso Farr and picked up the wickets of Frederick Lawrence and Phil Masdin. Steve Warman took the total onto 173.

‘Simon Gardner enjoying the victory in the Pembroke showers’

Tea was ok, certainly no Foxton.

The old ball was taken in reply, much to the chagrin of openers Johnson and Langmead. Johnson was removed by a crazy delivery from Craze - padding up to a googly – and Langmead once again played one shot too many. Sutton extended his repertoire of ways of getting out by flashing a catch to gully of Craze..

Enter Kay and Vincent (though a slight rearrangement to Kay entered Vincent might have been just as likely). Both batted solidly for a paternership of 40 and saw off the remainder of the old ball. The new one was taken and Kay snicked off to Terry Hayden, the batsman clearly expecting the ball to be delivered after the bowlers left foot had made contact.

Enter Nusootaputonahanga and straight away the threat of Gillett had to be removed. So scared of the tear-away medium pacer, captain Nusoot had to hide on the stairwell before the commencement of his innings. After a belligerent 28, his eventual mode of dismissal Ct off the bowling of Lawrence Frederick sounds like he was out hooking a Antiguan quick. Alas, flat bat pulling a medium pacer is how the innings terminated.

Vincent (73*) meanwhile was striking the ball beautifully, including a towering six over wide mid-wicket. He and Krang eventually saw off Waresley after Wells came and went. Another fine innings from Bruce Martin came just at the right time for Camden as they gather consecutive wins. The showers were excellent for some, a real disappointment for others.


‘Gray’s men have grey day under grey skies’

Camden captain Ollpaira Shustugoforarana led his side to their first win of 2013 as another thrilling game was had at Foxton against the 2012 champions. Nigel Gadsby was once again unable to take the field, and didn’t the rest of us know it. The Cambs supremo bored the pants off all and sundry with a detailed analysis of the strapping applied to his right knee by local physiotherapist Donna Hammy. We hope for Ravi’s sake that a literal result of the above does not apply to Katie, who we understand is lined up for a Star Wars trip in the coming weeks.

Camden lost the toss and found run scoring actually quite a free affair. 4 an over (literally) was had for the first 10 as boundaries were the only scoring method. In the interim, Jospeh Patrick and Keeley Andrews passed the bat with exaggerated seam and swing in what were ideal bowling conditions. Will Langmead (16) was the first to depart with the score on 20. Hoops (20) left the ball very well and was very unlucky to be the first victim of umpire Noel Clue. Sutton and Vincent took the score onto 68 before Sutton walked as far up the wicket this time as he had to the pavilion before hitting one a fortnight pervious, and was stumped. Kaypers was run out looking for a second where one was not. Shustugoforarana and Vincent put on 43 before the former was again the victim of Clue, the rain falling palpably for the previous 15 minutes and was followed sharply by the remaining 12 players. Keeley Andrews was rewarded with 5-38.

‘Keith Vincent reflects on the one that got away.’

On resumption, Wells teed off and Vincent continued on his way to a well fashioned 57 and promptly walked off without the need for Clue to send him on his way. Wells continued his excellent mid-week form (Runs:2,432 @ 810.67) and crunched 29 off 26 deliveries, including 2 sixes and 3 fours. Krang, Darling and Gardner came and went and eventually the innings came to a close at 171.

The tea was top drawer and, given that it fell in the middle of the innings during a rain break, meant that Heywood and Sutton were both able to tuck in. At present, Foxton tops the table.

Foxton were set 132 off 34 overs with 1 wicket forfeited, plus all batsmen had to face their first ball left-handed and with their trousers on back to front. Krang (4-34) and Gardner (3-25) ripped through the Foxton top order, the TMNT villain in particular being pleased in collecting all wickets with Bowled and LBW. Gardner claimed the prize wicket of Henry Hunter, following with Joseph Patrick and In Cambridge with consecutive nick offs. The latter were particularly fortunate as keeper Darling starting the innings with two Pimblett moments as the seam movement did for him.

After a further rain break and 6 wickets in the bank, the equation changed to 109 off 30 with only 7 wickets available. Krang took the wicket of Andrews and the match was bizarrely over.

6 fine men of Camden then took to the streets of Cambridge as the Red Bull and latterly Lola were dominated. Vinnie Chase replaced Keith Vincent but was unable to capitalise on his fame and good looks as the lady in the red dress got away. That said, it is conceivable that a combination of Kaypers with a sneaky nut and Lord Percy with a high-vis jacket put off the fine young wench.


'Camden Fried in the Saucepan'

Camden fell to their second defeat of the season in a nearly-but-not-quite tense match at Saucepan. The visitors were asked to bat first on what looked like a good pitch, fortunate really for skipper Imabit Nututhispalava as opening bowler Phil Krang Edwards was still making his way up the M11 after having his motor towed away the previous evening.

Wills Drinksmeade and Sutton fell early, the latter victim of a classic instance of 'SHHHOAAARGH' as he crunched one to cover. Saucepan's slip catching was abysmal all day as Mike Glazing and latterly Krang were to benefit. Glazing and Vincent put on a stand of some sort before a rush of wickets took Camden from 60-2 to 87-7 with an array of injudicious strokes being made. Once again the opposition’s Slow-thrower Vaughan Blanchard was the beneficiary. Krang and Capt.Darling took the score onto 135, both playing rather boringly on what was in essence a wicket with serious problems in the bounce department. Darling (13), sporting some new-but-not-new pads essentially blocked the arse off it whilst Krang, still reeling from his £300 morning shopping expedition to the impounded car depot, played a little more freely for 30 odd. Krang was the beneficiary of two dropped catches, one by the aforementioned Blanchard, the other the very unfortunate Tarfer Cummin, and both off new Saucepan recruit Simon Rees, who might have been having second thoughts of his move from Bury as balls continued to leap and creep in equal and increasing frequency. Eventually, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villain and Womens Auxilliary Balloon Corps Officer departed with the score still on 135.

‘Phil Edwards celebrates his first 5-wicket haul of 2013’

Tea was really quite good, though for once the author was unable to take full advantage as batting was required either side of the break.

So, in a ridiculous instance of cricket by rain-rule, Saucepan were set the same number of runs as us, with the same number of overs available as we had, but we only had to get 9 wickets. In other words, one of the opposition’s men got in the umpires’ ear because he had a dinner to go to. In any event, the total wasn’t enough, though it had the makings of being so, particularly after the 130 run farce of 2013. Simon Gardner, returning with (not after) chronic back problems took the new ball and immediately settled into a line and length, he completing his 17 overs on the reel with a classic wicket, just hitting the bottom of off stump.

Camden managed to keep the lid on Saucepan, Krang and Gardner bowling tightly. Michael Kay got stuck right into the Saucepan openers before having to be pulled out. Blanchard and A.N.Other batted well for a while, Other making a composed 50 and taking the score well within safety. The return of Krang from the southern end set the match on its head as Saucepan nearly boiled over with 4 wickets in a few overs, Tarfer Cummin, Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michael-Angelo all falling in quick succession. Cummin’s day was really made as he was sent on his way for a golden duck to add to his 3 dropped catches. He will have enjoyed handing his match fee over, though no doubt he got his money’s worth at tea. Krang provided three catches behind the wicket to Darling, who for once gratefully accepted. Alas, the composed batting of Ellis Jnr and Amanda Knowisname saw them over the line.

Another disappointing display from the Cambridge team, the batting again being the primary fault. Gardner will surely be stiff, though sadly not in the key areas as he returned home to wish his dearly beloved a happy birthday.


'Eleven men fall eleven short'

Camden were unable to chalk their first win of the year in frustrating circumstances at the department store C&A (Castor & Ailsworth). Late arrivals and wet weather did not stop captain Newtu opting to bowl first on a quagmire of a strip. As ever, the Andy Robert-esque grumpiness from the skipper came to the fore as he complained about the dampness of the run ups. He was promptly informed that, as the owner of webbed feet and slimy skin, he should shut up and get on with it. That he did and, after an over of head high full tosses and long hops, settled into a perfect rhythm for what was a very sticky wicket.

Philippe Edmonds came in from the Khalsa end and was once again short of luck as catches were dropped and/or offered to fielders whose feet had become submerged in the mire. At 1.5 and over however, Camden retained a decent amount of control over the situation.

That changed however as the change bowlers arrived, with B.Wood, Vincent and Johnson disappearing at 5, 6 and 7 an over respectively in their modest spells. B.Wood was unfortunate not to have C&A captain Wife Bitas given out caught down the legside. An eventual brake on the scoring was afforded by the return of the Newt and latterly Jimmy Johnson's second spell of 3 for not-as-many-as-the-first-but-still-quite-a-few with some real burglary; Wife Bitas (75), Jex, and Palmer all falling in horrid fashion. Steel (65) played beautifully before he too got out in a rank manner and with the help of Miller (25*), C&A finished their innings with shares of 209. At least Kaypers enjoyed himself, being particularly enamoured by the tight C&A rugby shirt of the number 6 batter.

‘Alex Newtucumarana coming into bowl at Castor & Ailsworth’

Tea was a great disappointment - how on earth, in one of the coldest springs on record, could there not be any actual tea. I'll be claiming back some from my match fee for having to make some.

In reply, Langmead & Johnson set about business in workmanlike manner, initially coping with the bowling of Wooley and some other before Langmead fell across one. Will Sutton looked solid before he walked off after nicking it to the keeper, the Camden stalwart virtually half way to the pavilion before he had actually touched it. Vincent departed soon after and enter Kay, keen to inspect all eleven of the oppositions clothing and under garments. He and Johnson put on a super partnership of 77, muscling the ball out of the grasp of the long outfield.

Both departed within an over of each other and the sting was really taken from the Police, I mean chase; new men having to come in and go from ball one on what was still a difficult wicket. Nick Wells was run out by Mike Jeopardy, the latter enforcing his more junior partner to sacrifice himself before getting out shortly afterwards. Wells fired the usual broadside as his team mate on returning to the pavilion and unfortunately Heywood, who didn't the ball off the square once in his 8 balls, and Crang were unable to make the 13 in 10 balls required.


Fenland District Council Announcement: ‘Visitors - Beware of giant crows and straight balls’

Camden, led once again by Iwentada Zutuseedallamas, travelled north to March to commence their 2013 campaign. Missing bowlers Iruntucker Garder (injury - back) and Charlie Walker-Smith (released), Zutuseedallamas would have been rather nervous at the potential inability to exploit what would undoubtedly be favourable conditions for the seamers. However, it was the late withdrawals of Matthew Kay (injury - gut) and would-be debutant Michael Orquits that gave the captain the most headache. That coupled with the pulling up of the ladder by veteran Gadsby (how many years has he been a veteran?) meant that once again, the batting was the likely frailty.

That proved to be the case, as March dismissed Camden for a meagre 91 as they chased down 136. Debutants Will Langmead and James Johnson started steadily, the latter reducing in age considerably and reinventing himself as an opening batsman and student from compared to when he last played for the club. Wickets then tumbled regularly and frequently as Seymour Butts once again tore through the middle order as he bowled Vinnie Chase, Ivor Beardfield-Smith and Bombardier Heywood comprehensively. Resistance from Nick Smells (22) and Phil Edmonds (10), the latter sporting the sort of sunglasses that his 1980s namesake would have very much enjoyed gave Camden a sniff of hope in light of the small target. However, spinner Surreywear Brownhatts accounted for the last three as the game finished with 20 overs to spare.

Earlier in the piece, Camden acquitted themselves very well in the field, with Iwentada Zutuseedallamas claiming an impressive 5-32. A certain amount of wicket theft was deemed to have occurred, the bumping out of Seymour Butts and the leg side stumping of Howjego Notverywell making particular mention in the fines' book. However his second spell in Mark Ealham mode was particularly effective, shelving the earlier Roberts-esque brand of new ball bowling (-20mph). The fielding was good and the outfield, reportedly damaged by crows though more consistent with the activity of a flock of vultures surrounding the carcasses of several large buffaloes, played little part in proceedings. The only possible impact might have been on Wells' washing bill as he took the cautious approach of fielding almost every delivery on both knees. Vinnie Chase 3-35 bowled well and debutant (yes, another one) Hotairfrom Ahandrier bowled 4 good overs and claimed his first Tucker 1 wicket.

More miles on the road await the Cambridge team as a trip to Castor & Ailsworth awaits. Wellies and pitch forks will be the order of the day as Zutu's men hope to rectify matters with the bat.